Asking questions is easy. Asking the right ones is not.

I’ve just finished the first module of my Professional Diploma in Coaching and Mentoring at Kingstown College. There are five more modules to go, plus a couple of assignments and a final assessment. Each module runs over a Saturday and Sunday, on alternate weekends, so it’s a long road. I wanted to write down a few reflections while they’re still fresh.

Why coaching?

My interest started on the other side of the table. When I was transitioning into a director role, I was coached, and it made a real difference. It gave me clarity as I took on the new responsibilities, at a time when there was a lot to take in.

After a while, I began to feel I could do the same for others: help them find clarity in their lives and work towards their goals. That’s what led me to the diploma.

The right question is hard to find

In the breakout practice sessions, I start with a bank of questions to get things going. That part is fine. But after a couple of exchanges, the bank runs out and I struggle to find the right question. More than once I’ve had to say “let me take that back” after hearing myself ask it.

I also catch myself doing two other things. I clarify my own question before the client has had a chance to answer, which leads the witness. And I stack several questions together, so the client doesn’t know which one to answer. One clean, open question is much harder than it sounds.

Listening is a different skill

Being present means staying silent, letting the client talk, and paying attention to their words and their body language. My natural tendency is to chip in, to offer something helpful, to fill the gap. In coaching, that instinct gets in the way. This one will take practice.

It starts with a goal

At the start of any coaching relationship, you establish the client’s goals, and those goals have to be led by the client, not the coach. We were taught several frameworks and tools to guide this.

In practice, I found it hard to peel back the layers to reach the real goal, and then to check whether the client actually has a way to achieve it. It also showed me the flip side. A session can go badly wrong with a coach who lacks these skills, and that made me take the training more seriously.

Coaching is about change, and change is hard

The coach’s role isn’t to hand over answers. It’s to guide clients towards their own solutions and help them take action on their goals. That sounds simple, but it asks a lot of both sides: the client has to do the work, and the coach has to resist the urge to do it for them.

Over to you

If you’ve trained as a coach or mentor, I’d love to hear from you. What helped you most with asking better questions and staying quiet? Leave a comment below.

Finally, a thank you to my classmates, who are fully engaged in class and go all in during the breakout sessions. I’m learning a lot from the questions and experience they bring as we explore coaching from every angle.