Brain Ooze

I hope this post won’t get me into trouble. It is a general observations of my anger management that I face in the workplace. My post, my personal demon to control.

As I reflected on my anger management in the past month (without the help of the shrink which I owe them a visit long time ago), I do find that other than road rage, most of my anger comes from the workplace. I do find that working with people with different backgrounds can be sometimes frustrating. You know what they say about software engineers, we are like a bunch of cats. And if you know cats, you know that they each have their own individuality. Prominent Individuality.

Looking back at my ACTIONS, I do find that I snap easily when I am facing an angry moment. I have shouted at people even though it is not their fault. I have used old issues to bring guilt into the other party, like what they did wrong the last time.. makes it a good excuse for me not to help them this time. I take offense when I am given work that is not planned, and I snap at the whole issue. Thinking how stupid the workplace is. In other words, I am acting childish. Some people say that I take things to personally. Professional conduct has gone into the drain for personal feelings.

So far, my actions are basically on shouting and doing emotional hijacking, bad enough when I know those actions means that I am burning bridges and destroying trust.

Looking back at the past few months on what caused these ACTIONS, I find that my IRRATIONAL BELIEFS are centered around a few issues. Firstly is my bloated ego thinking that everyone has to pull his own weight when it comes to completing task. Well, the people in my team are great.. but I do hear stories of people from other teams that are not pulling their weight. These people have nothing to do with me and I should not concerned. But the stories give me the “impression” that they are getting paid for the easy work and I have to take all the heavy lifting around here. Secondly is the fact that nothing is ever happening as planned. Everyday I come in the office, regardless how it is planned, things will always go south. Then I have to come in and fix the issue or deal with it. It disrupts daily routine and concentration.

To DISPUTE the Belief, I am drilling into myself that everyone is working hard, no one is goofing off and the stories I hear, are just stories. I should not look at myself and compare with other people so much, that is what my parents always drill into me when I was a kid. People can do whatever they want, as long as I achieve better than what I was last year. I also have to drill into myself that I work in an engineering department. Things screw up all the time. The fact that I get it fixed, means it is not that serious and it means customer will see one less issue.

Will I be able to achieve a zen-like attitude after this? NAH.. one step at the time..

I cannot remember in details what happened last night with my anger management but I certainly scared a few people. Last night was tua pek kong procession. We were split into groups to follow a certain chariot along the route.  After assembly, we were briefed and then brought to Chulia Street to wait for our floats.

Not sure if it was a hindsight of the commanding officer, but we were asked to cross the road and stand in front of people, who are already lining up.

Well, if I were the bystanders who came early to take the front row, only to be “invaded” by this punch of people who came from no where, I would be pretty pissed. So I took the noble path *ahem* and stood behind the row of spectators. As long as I can catch a glimpse of the float contingent numbers, which are prominently displayed, I should be OK.

And that is what happened. It started with a lady asking if the guys in front can squat down. Then this guy, middle age skinny fellow with a boy, started to shout at the members in front. They guys in front pointed to the commanding officer and the officer just waved the man away.

Of course he got more furious and started to shout more. Remember that I was standing behind everyone else and at this time, just an audience to the whole charade. I thought I want to be a hero and told him that we were leaving soon and the space will be reclaimed.

It is at this point of time, he turned his anger at me. And it is at this time, when anger takes over, details became blurry. I remembered clearly telling him to calm down and we will be gone soon. Every time I told him, calmly and softly, he kept shouting at me. I remembered on the 3rd time he shouted at me, I shouted back.

Yes, it was at this time, uniform, in front of hundreds of people, I literally blasted him back (to use a more subtle, child friendly word). No profanities, I just shouted louder than him. I can shout, ask my classmates. I don’t remember what I shouted back at him for, but it was loud and I remembered my body language was rather aggressive.

It accumulated to him dragging his son out to the middle of the road and asking what would I think if he stood in front of is. I told him to go ahead as I walked forward. I am no small size and with the crowd, he finds himself in the middle of the empty road.

At that time, he stopped shouting and made his way back to the crowd.

I remembered after his “retreat”, I was still shouting, god knows what I said. After that, I also stopped and we never made eye contact after that though he stood near.

Frightening? Yes. Do I think I am in danger at that time? Yes. Why did I do what I did.. well a little soul searching later on, I think it was because I was pissed at something else that happened earlier. I cannot pinpoint what. But I was so charged up with anger, I just laid it out on the first person who I think “deserve it”.

It was a holy day, a good effort on my side to earn karma points. And I just had to lose it.

After the 10KM walk, as we reached back to base to pack up and leave, one of the members said I really lose it on the poor man. No one dared to tell me off at that time. They are smarter than that. I am the only stupid one there.

I got a confession to make today on an incident  that happened on Monday. I started the day driving to work feeling like every Monday, sluggish, dreading, expecting the worse, missing my bed, dreaming of my sleep. I need to make a U-Turn along Yeap Chor Ee road, in front of the Petronas station so that I can drive down south.

Things happened too quickly.

The traffic on that day was clear, I presumed that a lot of people were still on leave.

In front of me, as I approached the U-Turn, was a slow Iswara. I braked. The Vios behind me honked and overtook me from the left and cut in between me and the Iswara. Unfortunately, we were both approaching the U-turn and the Vios could not cut in front of the Iswara.

When I heard the honk, I already anticipated some stunt by the car behind so I left some space in front of me for him to squeeze in. Up till now, everything was cool on my side. Just after making the turn, the Vios took the left and overtook the Iswara.

Out of no reason, I gave chase. Pedal to the metal. Engine RPM went up to 6000. I only had a glance of the meter because I was concentrating on the car in front. As I chased up beside them on the left, I can see that there were a couple in the car, quite old say around late 40′s to 50′s. The roads were still clear so I went ahead of them, still on the left and quickly swerve to the right, like I want to hit them.

Then I heard a screech.

Not sure if it was me or if it was them. But it was the most eerie screech that I have heard in a long time. It was not a long screech, it just felt near. I looked back and they were still on the road, driving slower now while before that, they were speeding along.

When I stopped in the next light, near Pekaka.. it dawned to me what I have done. Wife, sitting beside me was already to pounce on me. She hates being in the car when I act all angry, who does not. It was dangerous, what I did.. and unfortunately through some bug in my system, it did not dawn to me that I could endanger myself (to hell with other people) by doing what I did.. BEFORE I did it. For the first time, I felt mortal, knees felt wobbly and swear to god I will not do that again. I think I have gotten away with stunts like this far too many times. I think I might have used up my 9 lives.

Wife told me to let it go while I was making the U-turn after the stunt the Vios pulled on me.  She said they probably did not see the car in front, some people just don’t see what is beyond them and reacts to what they see on front.  I am not sure if that “speech” triggered me but after the turn, I felt like teaching them a lesson.

Wife was probably right, those old people in the car probably did not see what is ahead of them and just assumes that I brake for fun, on an empty road, making a U-turn, on an Monday morning (BTW, that is a sarcastic remark).

Am I proud of what I did? No, I was not. To the old couple in the car, drive safe and look forward beyond what is in front of you. But if you did intentionally do what you did, overtaking me from the left on a U-turn, then serves you right and count your blessings. I have counted mine.

One of my so called “road rage” story again.

I was moving along Greenlane near the autopont flyover that leads to Lam Wah Ee hospital. Everyone knows that after the traffic lights before the flyover, the right most lane leads to the flyover. But a lot of people take advantage of this right lane to cut into the middle lane. Since most civilised people already know to stick to the middle lane, the right most lane is normally clear of traffic. So people who wants to cut queue, sticks to the right lane and cut in just before the flyover.

If you are one of those people, I hate you. One would argue that there is no law that says you cannot do that. You could cut in to the middle lane. But you know better that you are taking advantage and it is uncivilised to do so. By cutting in the last minute, it is dangerous and you cause a jam at the back because people are stopping for you to cut in, or slow down for you.

I can assure it is dangerous because I have personally seen cars who banged the poles (yes, those are SOLID poles) before the divider of the flyover. They were too busy trying to look left, to find opportunity to sneak in that they did not notice they have ran out of road. Then Bang!.

So this afternoon, I was traveling along that road towards my parent’s place. At that particular place, some proton car, I think it is a pesona, cut into my lane. I was paying attention to the car in front because it was quite a slow traffic. I had some space in front and this car cut into my lane. Gave me a shocker because he came quite fast.

This time, I didn’t break into a fit of anger and chase after that fellow. Or start cursing or start shivering. I take it as just a normal idiot cutting into my lane. I drive with the flow of traffic.

But just after the flyover, the traffic cleared and I can see that he zoomed off the the right late and speed off. Hmm.. I did the same. Not that I want to chase after him, I am merely driving a little bit faster to a point maybe I was tailgating him. But rest assured there were still a lot of space between me and him. He was driving fast, I was just behind him.

Then he moved to the left lane after the convent green lane traffic lights. I did the same and we slowed down because there were some event in a house along the road and traffic slowed down. I saw that the right lane was clear so I moved to the right lane. Nothing to abrupt. Seriously, at that speed everyone was at, it was more like a saturday cruise around town.

Then I moved along the right lane, he moved along the left lane. That was a car in front of me, there were cars in front of him. Not that he can go anywhere. Not that I can go anyway. But I looked at the rear view mirror and he was really swerving left and right. Trying to find a way to get through! I can also hear his revving engine. Wife was asking if that revving engine was mine. I said no, I was going along at the cruising speed of the traffic. Just to b e sure, I did check my meters and I was going at the normal speed and normal engine rev. There were cars in front of both of us.

So then come near Maybank, I need to make a left to get under the flyover ahead. I signaled left and he did not want to let me go in. Fine with me, I just keep at this speed and lane, I will be up the flyover and he will be down there, trapped in the traffic lights and probably a longer way to go where he wants to go. Me, I was cruising.

Since he was a bit behind and I think he knows that he got himself trapped, he gave me some space and I turned left. I manage to see him flick the birdie and I did the same.

Surprisingly, I would have normally freaked out and started screaming in the car and shivering all over. This time, I just take it cool and not drive any aggressively. I guess patience is the key here.

Ironically, that car is filled with kids. I think there were at least  kids in the car, not buckled and umping around. That is how much people value life these days. Hope he gets himself killed.

If ever there was such a thing as Anger quota, I think used up mine yesterday. Crazy day I tell you.

All hell broke loose when I applied for some money from RCS Branch for the event on the 2nd. When branch gives out money, they expect it to be their event. They have this term called Organised by the branch and hosted by bla bla bla. So what does it mean by organised by the branch? Since none of their people are working in the project and all they gave was money, most of the work is still done by the people on the ground. The branch people will be invited for the opening ceremony. They will run shoulders with the VIP. They wo get the cut the ribbon, give the speech and don’t have life a finger to write a letter to their own speech.

So my question to them was what does this “organised by branch” mean. I called up the boss to try to ask this question. Instead, she gave me long lecturing. I snapped. I was angry, not furious, angry. I had expected her to be more understand and listen to my talk since I was the one who called. No, it was not as bad as I would have dream of doing. I was agitated, but i let her talk. I think it was a misunderstanding when I asked, what does it “mean”. I think she thinks I said “what do you mean”. as in there is no way I am letting this be a branch project.

I was angry because my irrational believe made me think that as a person of respect and of age, she has the patience and calm to understand the situation. Which I should have known from all the years in service that the higher you go, the more asshole you become. More rather, to survive up there, you need to be an asshole.

I had to be stupid to be angry at assholes.

I am also angry at how everyone handles this request. It got pushed out from one person to another and no one seems to know what to do other than to add more “requirements”. I mean it is their money but I am angry at how they talk to me. How they communicate. I think they could have handled it better instead of all jumping at me. I was very stressed at work because every 1/2 hour, a call comes in.

And I am angry at my self for not checking the flag day calculation. I tried to please people too much . The YO said I got it wrong, I corrected it based on what she said. Then at the last minute, she came back to say that it is wrong and that she calculated wrongly.This was an easy way to solve, “whatever you said madam”. I am angry.

What I learn from my RCS experience this past week, is that I suck as RCS work. I don’t think I suck at it that much just that I do not have the time to hang around HQ to get the work done.

I am angry because finally I am supposed to get the car. I called up the workshop 2 hours before going to collect the car and they said OK, I can come. Wife went because I had a last minute meeting and guess what, something happened and they could not deliver the car. While installing the parts, the accidentally chipped off the paint and they have to send the car back to the paint job. Wife is taking this better than I am but I am still angry.

I guess if there was a qouta for my anger, it was all used up yesterday. Not that I get happier after using up the qouta. I crashed in bed and probably trending towards frustration. I woke up at 4am and never went back to sleep. In my head, the day’s event is replaying by itself. I am going to crash at work later.

One of the method to deal with anger (as opposed to controlling anger) is apparently the way I talk. The counselor, after asking me a few case study question, said that I use a lot of the word “you”. Example.. when I get mad and want to screw someone, I would start blasting that poor bugger with all the nasty.. “you should not have done this”.. “you should have informed me first”.. “why did you do this and getting us all screwed”..

Apparently, that is not the best method to deal with the anger. The advise she gave me was to start the conversation with the word “I”. I should say, “I feel that you have betrayed me, you should have….”… or “I feel angry now because you did …. “.

I read through some website for easy understanding on this technique. At that time, I was hungry and I could not pay attention to what the counselor was saying about using the word “I”. She was being a bit abstract. I was in no attention span for something abstract. I found this website that explains it quite clearly. (http://www.stressgroup.com/abcscrashcourse.html)

By using the word “I”, starting the statement with “I am angry..” puts the anger as my responsibility. Saying.. “you should have done this”.. makes the other person responsible for my anger. This is not the case, as I was told. Anger is mine and they did not cause it. they may have triggered it but it was my irrational belief that cause the anger burst. So by using the word “I”, I put the responsibility for that anger to be mine.

interesting concept.

Just that the implementation was not that easy. Lets just say I had almost had a fuse this afternoon after some inconsiderate leach proposed a very outrageous suggestion. I kept saying.. you should.. you must.. you you you.. it was after he left, that I realised that I should have used what I had been taught.

I still have a long way to go.

For my anger management problem. Well technically she was just a counselor and not a shrink. And the session was paid for the by the company, so what the heck, I thought. Anger was something that I did not think I had. I think I am a happy person, positive and never had a care. Apparently, the wife noticed that do I snap once in a while. It gets more frequent these days. And then I started to notice too.  I can be driving on a slow Saturday, someone overtakes me and I turn into godzilla. I can trail that fellow no matter how fast he driver. Wife can see the rage in my face, I can feel the rage all over the body. I so want to make someone hurt bad.

You know how this always ends, everyone gets hurt and nothing is gained from it. So I decided to make use of company benefits and see the shrink.

Her advise started with the usual, breathing technique and then how to clench your fist. Apparently, there are ways to calm down, decide what to do and then act on it.

I mean.. it sounds easy right. Try pissing me off these days and we shall see blood!

She did teach something interesting though. The ABC of anger management.You can read more here but I think the article is too complicated. Basically

A – Stands for Action. Someone’s action, which I cannot control.

B – is for the irrational belief that I held. This is in the mind. Example, I think people should not overtake from the left.

C – for the consequences. I get angry, slam the accelerator and make a fool of myself.

In this technique, I am supposed to challenge the Belief. Idiots exist on the roads. The end up killing people. As long as I am not the one getting Killed, live with it.

Does not sound right.. hhmm..

Anyway, it is the B that takes the A to C. Without the belief, someone’s action will not translate to my consequences. I should first calm down, then challenge my irrational belief, then subsequently take control of the situation.

I am supposed to start a journal about how I overcome my anger. Take the ABC and note down. I don’t think I want to do it here in the blog. But perhaps I should share some once in a while.

You heard of the song ” I want my money back”?

I want my old life back. Whatever happened to the happy go lucky fellow.

I have a problem. I think.

I used to blog a lot, now you can see that I blog less and my blog is getting tired, old. A lot of things that I liked to do, now no longer. Like RCS activities, but they may not be the best example.

Generally, I feel numb. I don’t read newspaper as much anymore. I don’t read Malaysia-today anymore.

Some would call it mid life crisis. I don’t know what it is called.

All this started maybe 6 months ago.

But the wife did notice something. She said I got “anger management” problem. I seem to get angry and snap in an instance. Happens mostly on the road she said. One day I will get us all killed she said.

However, I think she is right. I would think that she sees something wrong, that I am not aware of. Over the weekend at work, I got an email that is apologetic but slightly undermining. I felt like blowing that fellow into pieces, dropping my piece of the work and let her settle the whole issue herself. The emails was nothing wrong, she did explain why, and apologized in the beginning if the email will hurt my feelings. But still, at night, when out for a walk with the wife, I still feel this bitter anger.

My parents would say that I was never like that. That I was a happy person. Cheerful. I do still look at the positive side of things but these days, it is not enough anymore. I feel there is a need to rid the world of useless people. I feel that it is time for action and not talking.

And that is dangerous, especially on the road when I apparently snap because some fellow drivers on the road is being inconsiderate.

Colleagues say that I seem to be less angry these days, and I told them that the anger has to be channeled somewhere right.

What do I think? I think I am a spiteful person and I am holding too much baggage, too much grudge.

.. to be continued.